today was in one word...difficult. well, at least the latter part of the day was.

I've seemably lost a best friend. seemably because i'm not sure if she really is or was my best friend or if she was just using me. when she needed me, i was there to help her. but now that she's got a bf, she obviously has cast me away. everything's all about him now.

its gonna get pretty confusing from here on cos quite a few people are involved....

A - presumed best friend
B - presumed best friend's bf
C - good friend
D - questionable neutral party
E - some guy
F - some girl
G - okayish girl who i previously misunderstood

seeing A+B together irks me cos of the way they act around one another. especially at a particular event. B has been a bastard from the start but it got worse recently. i can't seem to hold a conversation with either of them now without getting pissed off. Convo from today
 
Me: eh, outing still on not?
A: ya...you want to go out with chadwyn izzit? (said in a way that shows total disapproval)
Me: ya...so?
A: don't go out with him la. he's a total douchebag
B: ya! he's a total douchebag la
Me: look who's talking
B: i tell you ah, that idiot from your class really pissing me off
Me: there are several sides to the story la
B: seriously la! my whole class wants to go whack him
Me: come la!

chadwyn is my boyfriend and even if that's what you think of him, who the fuck said you should say it in my face. ya, he can be a bit of an idiot at times, especially when he guai lan's people. but he never means it for heaven's sake. and they know it. as for the second part, its more complicated than it seems....according to C, during a particular event when chadwyn and i went to take smthn, they started bitching about him. best part was the he organised the event for me.

A+B+D+E+F = the bunch of people who don't even give C a chance. okay, so she's slightly less socially apt. but they keep making fun of her just because she's slightly bigger and its really not fair. i was drawn in by them at first when A still needed me....but now i realise that i was being really stupid cos even after how i was to her, she's still there for me.

G and i came to a conclusion by observation over the past few months that E+F are really shallow cos of how  they've been towards C.

A.........where do i start? one of my best friends in secondary school and was on really good terms with her at the start of the year. C and i figured out a few things. 1, she changes tone when speaking to people of authority. 2, she is extremely self centred. 3, she uses me. for 1, not only does she change tone, but she acts differently, being really attentive, nodding at everything, saying things in a way that elevates her to being someone who is super on about doing things. turn around and she's bitching about that person that just spoke to her. i should have seen that 2 faced side of her, which explains 3 and is linked to 2. when we were contesting for a position, she kept saying that she wouldn't get it and that i would. she said she refused to accept anything til she got it, and didn't want to get her hopes up so that it wouldn't be so bad if she didn't get it. guess what...she kept trying to get my hopes for the position up. but i wasn't taken in by it, neither was i aware at that time of what she was doing. she kept saying i'm pro and flex at gym, to which i say flex but no skill which she has. i was struggling to learn smthn today and she said i got it the first time i tried it. to which i replied pro lor and she obviously said no. but the way she said it was just really smug. just cos i couldn't get it.

there's still a year and a half left of JC. please don't let it be like this. i don't want to have to keep competing in this way to survive. and i'm not talking about studies at all....sigh...

can't decide whether to put gym or my class in priority...sigh...

since i can get into CJ, what should i put for the rest of the choices?
a) CJ over and over again
b) other nonsense schools
c) leave it blank